Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
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I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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