Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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