I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the condom got lost in my hair
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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