Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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