I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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