I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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