how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
