I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Let's paint friendship bongs
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
