can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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