Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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