Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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