Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
