we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
