plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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