Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
