just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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