from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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