My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
