My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
