Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
