Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
