I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
