true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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