dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
