Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
