As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
