That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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