you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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