Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
