I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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