You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
