dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
