its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
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I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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