I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
