How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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