I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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