she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
