My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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