M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wish there were birth control emojis
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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