On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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