This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
