Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
