Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
