Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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