before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
