i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
