I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
