in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
