it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
