Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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