turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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