You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
