Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
