Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
